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| it's so hard when his strengths are my weaknesses.
what's easy for him doesn't come easy for me at all.
however, i think i can say the same for him, sometimes.
what i expect might be hard for him too..
but i know there are things that he's right about, and i really should change.
but everyone knows changing is hard.
im not changing just for someone, but also for myself.
i knew i needed to do it a long time ago, but i needed motivation, someone to help me along.
i try SO hard to be as understanding as possible, seeing things in his shoes as much as i can. i really do.
but im not perfect. i can't do everything right or perfectly. i really can't.
just like how i can't expect him to be perfect either.
but sometimes, it certainly doesn't feel that way for me.
why do i have to be perfect when i don't expect him to be?
i expect of him the same amt i expect myself.
i can't read minds. and i know it's disappointing when u have a plan in mind, but others have different plans or ideas...i certainly get disappointed. but i know i can't blame anyone. because it's "ngor yut seurng ching yuen" wanting to do something, and expecting everyone to wanna do it too. but i'm learning that i need to open up more and share my ideas and opinions if i want something and that way, we can probably reach a compromise.
opening up with my parents was hard at first, but it became easier as time went on. i can honestly say that it's been one of my biggest accomplishments in my life so far. i might sound stupid, but i really had a hard time letting others know what i wanted and what i thought, esp when i was really small. and life's really happier at home for everyone now than before.
...so i wish that he would do the same. im not expecting perfection right away, but just effort on both ends. *sigh. is that too much to ask?
i like to reason. that's how i learn and grow and change in life.
i want to know why it's wrong, why you don't like it, why i should do things differently. not just the fact that it shouldn't be like that.
there's ALWAYS a reason to everything that you do, whether u want to share or not.
often, i don't say anything.
because i don't want to say anything.
there's no need to say anything.
but sometimes,
i want to be angry.
i AM angry.
but being angry never got me anywhere.
so there's no point in being angry anymore.
there IS another way.
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| hahaaha.
what a coincidence, to have decided to go to pmall after eating, and showing irene the crystal shop, only to bump into jason!! and thus i got a reading. although she didn't say too much in my reading, everything that she said was so true..
i do feel like im getting more unhealthy, and somewhat frail and weak.
seriously, i've been thinking too much. is it too much? or that i'm just not thinking correctly? is it necessary? either way, i know it's been sucking my energy, my liveliness, everything. trying so hard to figure it out. im so glad everything else is alrite so far. i don't want to make the same mistakes as i have before...
but yeah. school's done now. moved back home..it's a totally different feeling, atmosphere, and different ppl surrounding me. so grateful for everyone's support and love. finally get to relax and go out!
but theres one thing..
i just need to sort this out within myself..
im so sorry.
ive been trying to be honest, and open about things.
please be patient with me.
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| i think i should just give up.
cuz im starting to feel really stupid...
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| i can't believe it.
it's happening again.
there's definitely something wrong with me.
weaknesses die hard.
i'll try harder.
i expected nothing but for you all to think that i think it's a joke.
well. i'm not laughing.
it's not funny.
i'm hurting too.
i come out as a friend, but i don't get appreciated.
i'm just blamed as being fake.
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| it's been such a long while since i've written here.
seems like i have a whole wall of theoretical thoughts more than anything.
hmmm.
for some reason i just felt like coming here to write...
it's 2008 already.
2007 has definitely been the fastest year to me.
and i know, and even my parents agree, that it's been the year that i've grown the most. i've experienced a lot of new things, both good and bad, and i know i'm definitely a stronger person now than before. even though there were difficult and unhappy moments, i'm so glad i had the opportunity to learn the lessons that i have. if i had the choice, i know i would still definitely choose to learn it now than later, because maybe, the consequences would be even worse.
but the year is really only a number. everyday is a new day for learning, opportunities that may come and go, and really, everyone just tries to make the best decision they can to see where it leads.
i have one huge resolution for this year, which undoubtedly is my strongest weakness. and i know, those who know me well enough will definitely agree with me on this one. i guess the most i can do is to try my best.
and in relation to that, i've been thinking quite a bit for the past...a very long while actually. and i've also been backtracking to the latter half of 2007. it's crazy how the power of one decision can lead to so many other things. sometimes, a decision can cost you a lifetime. there's even a chinese saying for that, but i'm too lazy to write it out. maybe i'm making this sound very severe, but it's true, no matter how trivial the matter is. not everything is always going to work in one's favour. and, with every decision, there will be consequences.
and because of the decisions that i have made, i continue to embark on this half-year journey.
the rules of the journey are complex.
but the destinations are clear.
im definitely at crossroads.
im so tired.
and so thankful for a period to catch my breath before i regain the strength to go on.
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